This probably shouldn't be public

Sometimes...

I find myself trying to live off the happiness of others because I can’t create my own. Yet, I have become so skilled at conjuring up misery in myself, my family and close friends that I almost revel in it. This cloud is all consuming and so deceptively comfortable that I simply cannot remove the knowing smile from my face.

But I am deathly tired of hurting people. I wish that someone could tell me why I am so angry and offer a solution, because I seem incapable of doing so.

I am sorry-